What’s so wrong with questions you wonder? Nothing. But if you’re not careful, young people can experience your questions as interrogating and anxiety-producing. So, if you’ve ever noticed your loved one shuts down when you ask questions, then it may be time to learn about their lives more effectively.

Check Your Motives

Are your questions coming out of your desire to know everything or to control? If so, it might be a good idea to ask Him to put a guard on your mouth until you are coming from a better place. (Prov. 13:3, 14:12; 17:27-28)

Timing

• Before you launch in, do you observe whether your growing son or daughter is maybe not in the mood (especially if hungry, tired, or stressed) to dialogue with you?
• Would it be in their best interest to be asked questions, or do they just need an opportunity to be in your presence and receive your acceptance without having to answer anything about their life?
• When they’re especially talkative and more willing to answer questions, are you willing to sacrifice some sleep or stop what you’re doing to take full advantage of this gift? (Prov. 10:19, 15:23)

Plan Your Wording

• Prepare some sort of introduction that tells your young person you’re about to invite them to dialogue, but that you want to do so respectfully and sensitively. It would be best to customize this introduction according to the personality of your son or daughter. Nevertheless, the concept can go a long way in reducing defensiveness before you begin.
• Some examples are to tell them in advance that they’re not in trouble or that you won’t get upset by how they answer. Or you may want to promise to only ask a few questions. Or you may want to assure them that you want to have a conversation that is a true back-and forth, and not just an inquiry followed by a lecture. And, it’s always good to add that you want to be a better listener. (Prov. 12:18)

What If It Doesn’t Work?

If you have a long history of question-asking, you may need to be patient and earn trust with your teen/young adult before they become convinced that you’re no longer in the habit of bombarding them with questions. Each day pray for wisdom in how you inquire, and eventually you will see the benefits. (Prov. 8:34, 15:2; 24:3)