If you were an adult in the 90’s, you may remember the popular Boundaries book by Cloud & Townsend. This was a helpful book for some Christians when it was written, but this article will provide you with updated tips based on how the world has changed since that time. Or maybe you’re coming of age now and all you’ve learned about boundaries comes from common knowledge and worldly sources. At this point, it may be wise for you to examine how and when you’re using boundaries to make sure you’re thinking about them Biblically.

Working Definition of Boundaries

Boundaries can be defined as the acknowledgement and maintenance of the space that exists between you and God, you and others, and you and the world.

• The purpose of recognizing boundaries is to appropriately take responsibility for yourself to be the God-glorifying person you were made to be.
• Prayer, biblical understanding, and Spirit-led utilization of boundaries are the only ways to have boundaries like Christ.

Thinking Biblically about Boundaries

Feeling offended, tired of being rejected, having strong desires and opinions, or thinking you “deserve better” are secular reasons for defending boundaries. Instead, allow the Defender to determine the boundaries in your life.

Boundaries in Your Relationship with God

Boundaries are part of God’s design for the Father-child relationship He has for His beloved children.

• You must know your human limits and what you can and cannot do, and what only He can do.
• At the same time, He honors your individual space and doesn’t do for you what is yours to own.

For example, He doesn’t force you to obey Him. But once you decide to yield to Him, He helps you make noble choices that are not in your nature to make.

Boundaries In Your Relationship with Yourself

Understandably, there are many reasons, situations, and experiences that could have led you (or others in your life) to have a poor understanding of the safety and confidence found in having good boundaries.

For example, you may have grown up with or married someone who did not respect your personal boundaries and responsibilities. Or, you may have insecurities from your past that have misled you into believing that boundaries set by others is a rejection of who you are.

Additionally, coming from a background of poor boundaries can lead to harmful consequences. Because of your past, you may not know how to take care of:

• your time
• your words
• your thoughts, opinions, & expectations
• your body

For example, you may not know how to honor your boundaries, limits, and responsibilities by saying no to yourself. Instead, you may have a habit of over-using food, drink, other substances, or people for comfort, control, or coping with hard emotions and situations. This comes at great cost to your body and health.

For example, you may not have known before now that you were bought at a price (Jesus’s death on a cross) – and that you can glorify God both in your body and in your spirit – since both are God’s. (1 Corinthians 6:20)

• It’s never too late to obtain personal awareness, strength, and healing from past brokenness concerning boundaries.
• You can learn how to make your “yes” mean “yes”, and your “no” mean “no” out of honesty with God, yourself, and others. (Matthew 5:37)

For example, if you don’t allow yourself to be guilted or manipulated into saying “yes” when the right thing to say is “no” – then you are taking responsibility for obeying God and communicating the truth.

Having boundaries enables you to proactively live out your individuality, while also being free to love well the people He places on your path every day.

Focus on taking full responsibility for:

• your stress level
• your time
• your physical well-being
• your calling and duties
• your walk with the Lord
• your thoughts and opinions
• your relationships

For example, when you block off time to get a project done or take Sabbath rest, you’ll have less burnout, anxiety, and depression and more margin and love to give to the next endeavor before you.

For example, “when Jesus perceived that they were about to come and take Him by force…He departed…to the mountain by Himself alone.” (John 6:15)

Boundaries in Relationships with Others

Do you take sufficient personal responsibility for yourself so that your relationships can thrive?

For example, it can be tempting to blame others for the stress or anger you feel, when it’s really up to you to deal with your personal anxiety and disappointments.

For example, you may think you can’t say no to appealing, good activities or honorable serving opportunities – when in reality doing those good things may at times cause you to be negligent of other personal responsibilities and relationships.

Be careful not to take on more responsibility for someone else than you should.

For example, it’s important to leave room for the Holy Spirit to do the convicting of your spouse or other loved ones, while you take personal responsibility for yourself at His direction.

For example, some parents of older adolescents or young adults may think it’s up to them to continue parenting beyond the point where the child can receive such instruction. In other words, there comes a time when a child needs significant freedom from parental involvement to continue to grow by the grace of God.

For example, the Lord may direct you to create distance even from fellow believers for a season if you’ve lost yourself in others and need to return to a proper placement of Christ as Lord of your life.

It’s also easy to let feelings lead your decision-making, instead of relying upon:

• discernment
• prayer
• obedience

For example, you may worry you will hurt someone’s feelings if you say “no”; or conversely you may find someone’s “no” very hurtful to take. Nevertheless, it’s important to distinguish between hurt and harm. Just because you or someone feels the feeling of hurt (or sadness or anger), doesn’t mean harm was done. Valuable lessons can be learned from pain and from practicing giving someone the space that is also good for you to have.

For example, you may have a very good reason to dread someone’s anger or silent treatment. So, you avoid making a decision they would be unhappy with. But failure to set boundaries (that is, failure to take personal responsibility and obey God) is making someone’s opinion more important to you than seeking God’s leading.

Pursuing a variety of healthy relationships can help protect you from the pitfalls of unhealthy boundaries.

For example, culture’s trendy promotion of having “your person” (or your group) can deceive you and “your person” (your group) to expect one another to be like a personal savior to one another. Don’t attempt to fill the needs that God intends to meet directly Himself or through a vast Body of brothers and sisters. Belonging to a large and varied family of believers exposes you to others who have learned to have healthy boundaries and affords you the chance to practice purely loving others after loving Him first.

For example, you can find beautiful healing and progress from a past of having poor boundaries – by having friends who celebrate your boundary setting abilities and who honor the richness of the full individual God designed you to be. And you can do the same for others who come from a confusing past when it comes to boundaries.

Filtering every decision through prayer can transform the way you assume personal responsibility and engage in healthy relationships moving forward.

For example, you can wait to make every decision – from what you eat to who you spend time with – after you’ve prayed and trusted the Lord to lead you.

Prayer & Blessing

“Let each one examine his own work…for each one shall bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:4-5)