The word “codependent” is often tossed around, but its meaning can be a little challenging to grasp. If you’re about to read this article to better understand codependency – whether in yourself or in someone else – be encouraged that having tendencies towards being codependent is something that can be managed with awareness, tools, and if necessary, with counseling. With a little work, struggling with codependency is definitely a style of relating that can be made healthier.

What Does It Mean To Be Codependent?

A summarizing definition of codependency is – a pattern of behavior in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity; or finding yourself in a relationship that could be described as one-sided and dysfunctional. The imbalance can lead to drawing false conclusions and poor decision-making.

Another way of understanding codependency is to know that it’s a form of relating where you’ve forgotten where you end and the other person begins. By blurring lines between you and another individual, you may lose sight of what’s in their best interest, weaken your dependency on God, and harm the relationship you have with the one you want to love well.

Consider the following examples that might seem rooted in love and healthy relating; but can actually be instances of codependent thinking and behaving.

A Few Examples

• You’ve found just the right person to be “your person.” Some days it’s perfect; but other days you notice “your person” is pulling back. On those perceived distance days, you think its about you and move in even closer. Or maybe you feel rejected, shut down, and pull away as your reaction.
• A family member or spouse isn’t doing what you believe they’re supposed to be doing. Because you feel so upset, you determine you’re the one to call it out and/or do something about it.
• You believe if you aren’t being strong for a certain person, they’ll struggle or be alone.
• It feels necessary for you to be personally responsible for what a particular person is doing because of how it might impact them, you, or others you care about.
• You admit that you’ve put expectations on certain people that they never agreed to meet.
• You over-control certain aspects of your life specifically because someone else trying to control you. (disordered eating is one manifestation of this)

What About Current Relationships?

You don’t necessarily have to leave the relationship; the key is to leave behind the codependent lifestyle. If you’re prone to codependency, it doesn’t disqualify you from close, edifying relationships within the body of Christ! It just means you need to fight against being unhealthy in those relationships.

The Switch To Healthier Relating

Initially, as you take new steps, you may have emotional withdrawal. For example, when you successfully resist the temptation to be clingy or controlling, you’ll have to tolerate feeling lonesome or stressed instead of relying upon the other person to assuage those emotions. This will be a major change of focus from thinking about what the other person is doing in order to make you feel better…to thinking on God’s work in you and what He’s asking you to obey. You may need to heal, confess, and repent of past codependent relationship patterns; move towards healthier engagement; and create personal growth goals in this area.

Questions For Further Reflection

Does wanting to love and be loved by others define me, or does glorifying God in the way I interact with and love others define me?

Do I change my behavior specifically in the context of a certain relationship, striving hard to feel loved and accepted or to coerce certain behaviors from them?

Can I think of a time when I suppressed the presence of God in order to focus on the presence of another? Or can I think of a time when I suppressed the prompting of God in order to control another?

Does the way I “love” this person resemble the way love is described in 1 Corinthians 13?

Has a relationship with a specific person distanced my relationship with God? At any time, am I able to state what sins I need to confess, the ways God is convicting and shaping me, and where He is comforting and encouraging me, etc.? Or have I spent way more time thinking of how a person is treating me than of the divine Spirit working and moving in me?

To what extent have I already known this tendency in myself, but only tried to correct it in my own strength versus surrendering it to the Lord?

How willing am I to resist the temptation to follow my codependent feelings, and instead ask the Holy Spirit to show me how to interact with others and then empower me to do it?

Do I need accountability to keep me from unhealthy patterns of relating with my loved ones, so that I can be a more loving version of my current self?

“Cursed is the man who…makes flesh his strength. (Jer. 17:5) Let each one examine his own work…for each one shall bear his own load.” (Gal. 6:4,5)