This article is for you if people think you have friends…or if it looks like you have friends…but in your perspective, you really don’t have friends, and when it comes down to it you’re more alone than not.  

For the problem of not having friends, some commonly offered solutions are to “put yourself out there with people” “be others-focused” “be a friend to have a friend” “use your gifts to serve others” etc.  Those ideas are not bad. But while you are alone right now, you could do something else first that will impact you greatly and make the common solutions work a whole lot better. It may sound really awkward and scary at first, but it’s extremely healthy and powerful.  

A Unique Solution

Instead of striving outward or moping inward, purposely set a time-frame to productively remain in this alone time with yourself and don’t go back out and try to make friends until the end of your scheduled time with yourself. Use all this time alone to acquaint your spirit with the Spirit as follows:

Seek To Find Out The Truth About Yourself

Ask yourself – Why am I friendless? (Not why do I feel like I am friendless. Not why has everyone abandoned me? Not how can I fix this before my life is ruined?) Simply determine to find the factual truth about your status. Maybe it was time to do a “friend purge” because of the kinds of friends you had. Maybe your circumstances are such that you don’t have a lot of options for friends. Maybe you’re going through a major life transition and your current friends are no longer a match. Maybe God’s trying to get your attention and teach you how to be a better friend. Maybe you have friends who you don’t realize are friends. Seeking truths like these can be a distressing exercise and it’s why many people won’t linger here. But to not do this is to miss out on a life-changing, blessed time with your Father. (Ps. 51:6, 139:23, Heb. 4:12)

Allow Him To Wipe The Slate Clean

Even if you’ve done the worst thing in the world or been the worst friend ever, don’t get on the secular compulsion train (thinking you have to perform a certain way). If you’re repentant, Jesus will lead a) how to change, b) if/when to apologize or c) if any restitution is necessary, but spending the rest of your life trying to earn your friends does not come from Him. No friend should demand how you behave as friends; you only answer to an audience of One, including when it comes to friendship. (Jn 8:1-12)

Make New Decisions

Once you find yourself all alone, don’t rush back into society before you have a plan. First, get to know deeply the person the Lord made when He created you. And specifically, ponder – how did He make you to be in friendships and who might He have called you to be in friendships with moving forward? Pray as Jesus did when selecting the disciples, take notes, create a friendship mission statement, make a list of goals or new insights, or whatever else the Lord prompts you to do. Make this a fruitful time so that when you return to social opportunities, you’ll take a wealth of new knowledge and wisdom with you, and be in line with God’s will for your friendships. (Ps. 139:3b, Jn. 6:15, Lk. 6:12,13)