You may not realize it, and certainly not mean to – but you might not be as emotionally safe (people can trust you with their hearts) as you think you are, or as you want to be. Or perhaps the opposite is true for you – you’re in a relationship with someone else who doesn’t always feel emotionally safe. The following tips will: 1) help you identify if you sometimes cause others to feel emotionally unsafe in relationship with you, 2) teach you how to become a more emotionally safe person, 3) show you how to have grace in relationships when you don’t always feel emotionally safe.

Behaviors That Can Make Others Feel Unsafe With You

• Jumping to negative conclusions about others
• Being passive aggressive rather than having open conversation
• Dismissing their situation because you feel that yours is worse
• Demanding they do things your way, and being mad at them when they don’t
• Thinking about their sins and wrongdoings more than repenting of yours
• Failing to offer them as much grace and trust as you give yourself, or only offering them as much grace as you think they give to you
• Not keeping in confidence what is shared with you, or talking badly about them
• Lying to protect your image or get your way
• Not being consistently approachable and not being reliable in your responses to sensitive topics
• Controlling how the relationship operates, rather than being open to compromise
• Using power, status, or physical size to intimidate
• Believing you deserve special privileges over others
• Belittling and putting others down
• Picking on others in a way that they do not perceive as playful or loving teasing
• Being so task-oriented that there is a cost to nurturing important relationships

“Let all bitterness…anger…evil speaking be put away from you…be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph. 4:31, 32)

How To Be A More Emotionally Safe Person

• When you have opinions about a loved one, replace your judgments with asking God to help you see their hearts and actions with a more comprehensive and compassionate view; and replace your disappointments with finding ways to be thankful for them.
• Consider your wounds. Ask a godly friend or counselor to help you uncover the root of your pain so that you can forgive, heal, and no longer take it out on others. If needed, role-play with your advisers how to have hard, yet respectful conversations with others.
• Ask yourself if you could be playing God in others’ lives by thinking you know what is best for them. Instead, catch your own sins, confess and apologize regularly, accept responsibility, and be teachable. Let your humility make you a good example. And in most cases, it’s best to leave others in His capable hands to address how they behave.
• Don’t pressure others to express true Christian faith exactly the way you do. Rather, listen well in order to respect and enjoy each child of God; and look for and rejoice in the unique way He is working in their life.
• Be on guard for a prideful attitude that can cause you to regard yourself as better than others or treat others as if they are not as worthy as you, even if you don’t mean to think that way.
• Determine to repair the relationships you have damaged. If a particular person feels especially hurt by you, a mediator can be very helpful in promoting your change while also supporting your loved one in reconciling with you.

“And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?” (Mt. 7:3)

When You Don’t Feel Emotionally Safe

• Allow God to remind you how emotionally safe you are in Him, perfectly and consistently.
• Make time to frequently and specifically pray about any challenging relationships. Let God fill you up with confidence and love so you can continue to relate well, intercede, and forgive. Jesus is always the best source of strength and grace.
• Busy yourself with who you were meant to be and how you were meant to act according to God’s will and not any one person’s opinions. Allow yourself to feel passionate about what is good for your life’s purpose.
• Don’t be influenced by secular principles for relationships, such as “remove and avoid people in your life that don’t make you feel good.” Instead, ask God to show you how He wants you to do relationship with each person in your path.
• Relationships are complicated and imperfect. Many times the Lord will have you remain in a relationship where you don’t always feel emotionally safe. In order to keep a positive attitude and good mindset, remind yourself that this is your choice made for a good reason. Click here for a checklist to make sure you don’t absorb a victim mentality.
• If you decide to distance yourself from an emotionally unsafe relationship, remain open to giving second chances where and when appropriate.
• Instead of complaining and gossiping about the person’s poor treatment of you, ask one or two others to be a secure base for you. Let them help you stay the course.
• Unsafe behavior directed towards you can make you empathetic and therefore even more intentional in being emotionally safe for others.

“…be patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer…bless those who persecute you…overcome evil with good.” (Rom. 12:12,14, 21)