The year 2020 was good for some marriages, but grueling for others. It was the beginning for some marriages, and the delay for others. Some marriages were able to get the time and attention they had been longing for, but in other cases, the stress of the situation pulled couples apart rather than drawing them near to one another. And while lockdown was an opportunity to improve communication and conflict resolution skills, it was also a chance to discover how weak those tools were. Ultimately, in many engaged and married relationships, uncomfortable adjustments had to be made regarding work, school, living arrangements, habits, routines, expectations, and systems. And there was no shortage of idols that were revealed, made worse, or came crashing down during this time. Now, in 2021 as many weary couples are moving into the next season, it can be a good time for a marriage or marriage engagement reset.

Remember the Greatest Purpose of Marriage

The goal of your marriage is not to make you happy. The grand purpose of marriage is to display the gospel of Jesus Christ to the world and to participate in the eternal marriage of the church. Therefore, the holiness of your marriage is more important, and even more fulfilling, than the happiness of it. If you’re married or plan to be married, make it your top order of business to develop your holiness and to invest in the holiness of your spouse. (Gen. 2:24; Is. 55:9; Eph. 5:31-33; 1 Pet. 1:16, 3:5-7, Rev. 19:9)

Be a Holy Spouse

When your holiness becomes more essential to you than your happiness, the holy God can come into your relationship and produce rich blessing. For example, you’ll become capable of regarding your spouse as more important than yourself. And you’ll be able to show your spouse that you still like him/her even after knowing all his/her negative personality and character traits, a miraculous work indeed. You can even begin to feel grateful for the ways your marriage is not a fairy tale, an impossibility without a sacred work occurring in your covenant relationship. This kind of “other world” love brings the Lord immense glory every time it’s expressed and appreciated. (Phil. 2:2; 1 Cor. 13:4-8; Song 2:2, 8, 10; 1 Jn. 4:12)

There’s only one source for holiness: having a connection with the Holy of holies. He alone can bring holiness into your home and into your marriage. Pray with and for your spouse in the ways the Spirit leads. Again and again, go to God in praise and thanksgiving for your spouse, making sure to have your spouse in earshot. (1 Cor. 7:5, 16; Eph. 5:25-27, 32-33; Heb. 7:26; 1 Pet 3:7)

Use Your Marriage to Take You (or Send You Running) to Jesus

• Dethrone your spouse (whether you think he/she makes a good god or not) and put Jesus before your husband or wife. While you’re at it, put aside yourself, your children, your work, your ministry, your church, your parents, your hobbies, and everything else you think you need to be happy. (Ex. 20:3; Mt. 22:35-38; Eph. 1:23)
• For the hurts guaranteed to occur in the marriage relationship, turn to the Father of all comfort and blessing to care for your wounds, remind you of your purpose, and give you strength to endure. (2 Cor 1:3-8; 1 Pet. 3:8-12, 5:7; 2 Pet. 3:11-18)
• Allow His Spirit within you to change you into the spouse of his/her dreams (Mal. 3:3; Eph. 5:18-21)

• Quit any part-time (or full-time) job of critiquing what your spouse is doing wrong. Receiving the Lord’s chastening of your own errors and dealing with the “log in your own eye” should consume most of your energy. Then you can spend the rest of your time encouraging your spouse in his/her own maturation. (Mt. 7:3-5; Heb. 12:10; 1 Pet. 5:5)
• Since God is for you and not against you, He enables you to be for your spouse and not against him/her. (Rom. 8:31; 2 Cor. 3:18)
• Avoid the road towards bitterness and be a “70×7” forgiving spouse. If you’re experiencing more hurt and pride than repentance, consider a concentrated time of prayer asking God to show you why you can’t let it go. The Holy Spirit may lead you to do a lengthy therapeutic work to dig up any buried issues keeping you from freedom, or He may show you rather quickly which obstacles are in your way. Either way, you want to get to the bottom of what hinders you. (Mt. 18:22; 2 Cor. 2:5-11, Heb. 12:1, 14-17)
• Be amazed at how your obedient efforts in small areas will translate into big impact on your relationship. (1 Cor. 5:8)

Remember Your Marriage is a Necessary Example for Future Generations

• The answer for spouses already feeling beaten up is not to follow the world’s despairing reduction of the marriage covenant. Instead, the Savior’s redemption poured into the fragments of your relationship is a glue and family preservation plan that leads to hope. (Mt. 19:6; 1 Jn. 5:19)
• Don’t view your spouse as your enemy. Work with your husband or wife to fight your joint enemy: Satan. The Devil wants to destroy your marriage, but through prayer he loses his power. (1 Cor. 7:5; Eph. 6:11-12, 1 Pet. 4:7, 5:8)
• Practice on your spouse the Bible’s command for holy conduct that leads to godliness. Let your friends and family see the fruit of your labor. (Josh. 24:15; Eph. 5:22-33; 2 Tim. 2:20-26; 1 Pet. 1:15-16)
• Speak much of the faithfulness of Christ and the commitment of your husband or wife to those in your community. Speak life-giving, nourishing words to your spouse in private and in public. (Ps. 92:1-2; Prov. 15:4, 19:13b, 31:23; Eph. 4:29)
• Find ways for your marriage to demonstrate the keeping of promises, being true to your word, and making intercession that impacts the marriage, family, and Kingdom. (Ps. 119:2, 1 Pet. 3:1, 7, 1 Thess. 5:17)
• Demonstrate pure affection in Christ, in holy embraces and kisses. It’s a way to participate in the reversal of this world’s promiscuity. (Rom. 12:10, 1 Cor. 16:20, Titus 3:15, Rev. 17:2, 14)

• Creatively enjoy how your male/female complementary union speaks volumes to the world about God’s good design of male and female. (Gen. 1:27, 2:18, 22; Prov. 12:4; Eph. 5:25)
• Invite others to spend time in your household, especially those whose lives could be changed by seeing examples of a Godly marriage. (Col. 3:18-24)
• Consider how your holy and redeemed marriage preaches the gospel and the Bible to your families and children. The next generation is growing up in an information age that literally harasses them into accepting deceiving messages about love. Let your marriage be a soft landing for youth to get away and come meet with Him. (Ps. 118:15, Song 2:3, Jn. 8:44, Eph. 5:32)
• You don’t have to do this hard job alone. Choose to spend time with others who celebrate your marriage and with those who receive support from you for their marriage. (Ruth 3:1, Est. 2: 11; 1 Cor. 16:19)
• Consider keeping a journal or tangible sign to mark God’s movements in your marriage through the years. (Josh. 4:6)

Additional Resources

A great resource to reiterate this Biblical and holy marriage concept is Gary Thomas’ book Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than Happy.

Sacred Marriage Book

Gift Edition Book + 52 Devotions to Enhance Spiritual Intimacy

Prayer & Blessing

Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed (and made holy) day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. (2 Cor. 4:16-17)