There are benefits to grieving, even when no one has died. In fact, one of the reasons you may struggle with feeling moody is you’re mourning losses, perhaps without realizing it. “At the end of mirth may be grief.” (Prov. 14:13b)

Identifying Something As A Loss

You can probably think of a notable loss you’ve experienced in recent days. Some examples would be loss of:

• a dream
• a job
• a tradition
• an opportunity
• control
• innocence
• time
• something that belonged to you
• the way things used to be
• the way a relationship used to be
• the way culture you used to be
• the way you expected something to turn out
• the way your body used to function/look
• perfection and God’s perfect design for life
• performance in some area

Grieving Helps Your Long Term Mood

You may not think of these kinds of losses as something you’re allowed to grieve since none of them are a death or catastrophe. But, in fact, one of the most emotionally mature things you can do is to acknowledge a formal grieving process for any loss you’re feeling at a given time. “By sorrow of the heart, the spirit is broken” (Prov. 15:13b), but there is a “Lord who heals.” (Ex. 15:26)

Wouldn’t it be nice to be thought of not as moody, but rather as a person who has a grieving process for dealing well with the vast ups and downs of life?

This doesn’t mean you’re going to have casseroles delivered to your house or get time off work, but it does mean you can section off a place in your heart to attend to the “sorrow that sits in your heart daily” (Ps. 13:2b) and care for yourself as you move through moods, emotions, and stages of grief.

An Example Of What It Could Look Like

So, consider what it might look like to go through a formal grieving process…over a changed relationship as one example:

Common First Stage of Grief: Shock & Denial

Initially, it’s very painful to acknowledge that she just doesn’t call or respond to you like she used to. So, you press on with your daily tasks in a state of denial because that’s just the best way for you to function for a time. However, it’s possible and good to have self-awareness that you’re in denial about something painful so you won’t “snap” at those around you simply because you’re not ready to deal with painful emotions. “The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable, the heart of the righteous studies how to answer.” (Prov. 10:32, 15:28)

As helpful as this stage can be in order to continue your function, you need to limit your time in this stage so you can move towards the grief work that needs to be done. This will help stabilize your overall mood state.

Another Stage of Grief: Anger & Anxiety

So, then, maybe you begin to feel angry because you’re not ready to sit in a period of hurt. And you feel so frustrated and disappointed that it’s just easier to be mad. If you feel irritable and stressed-out and/or end up hurting the one who hurt you or taking it out on someone else, you may be acting like a “fool who vents all his feelings instead of a wise man who holds them back” (Prov. 29:11). But as a person who knows this is grief, you can allow yourself to “be angry while not sinning” (Ps. 4:4) and keep yourself from becoming “an angry man who stirs up strife” (Prov. 29:22), either within or inter-personally.

As with denial, sometimes being in this angry stage enables you to get out of bed in the morning (and maybe go do a hard workout or clean your house), but eventually the Lord will whisper to you that it’s time to adjust this emotion so that its negativity won’t become harmful to you and others. Monitoring grief can help you see when your anger is getting the best of you and you need to move to the next stage.

More Grief: Blaming, Bargaining, Guilt, Shame, Obsessive Thinking

Just because you’ve made it through denial and anger, doesn’t mean the hard part is over. Next, you may begin to blame her or yourself, going back and forth trying to decide who is responsible for what. But you will need an objective Reviewer to “search you, know your heart and any wicked ways in you, and then make the meditation of your heart acceptable.” (Ps. 139:23, 24; 19:14)

When you come to “sound thinking” (2 Tim. 1:7) about the matter, you may begin to taste the irreversible matter of the loss – in this case that you can’t “make her” do this relationship the way you would prefer.

If you find yourself getting stuck in this phase, tell a loved one or seek counseling, giving someone an opportunity to be one “who sharpens your countenance.” (Prov. 27:17)

Still More Grief: Depression, Hopelessness, Feeling Overwhelmed

Later, at some point, you may be ready to sit in the sadness and suffer your heartbreak. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12). This can be an appropriate time in your grieving process to cry, journal, say no to certain events, and do some ritualistic/tangible grieving such as writing a goodbye letter to your expectations (not meant to be sent to anyone) or having a private farewell observance at a formerly special place that was shared between you.

It may also be beneficial to let someone know you’re in a hard place so they can look for signs to make sure your time of distress doesn’t extend beyond what is healthy and appropriate. The purpose of feeling the range of emotions in grieving is to be moving towards a return to “joy in the morning” (Ps. 30:5). The consequences to not fully progressing into acceptance can include: emotional instability, victim mentality, bitterness, discontentment, physical symptoms, inability to fully grow and develop, relational turmoil, professional stall-out, academic failures, extreme loneliness, and feeling distant from God.

Ending Stage of Grief: Acceptance & Answers

Another matter that can delay your arrival to acceptance is your theology. It may be tempting to have a misconception about God and allow your heart to “fret against Him” (Prov. 19:3) over the fact that this has friendship loss has happened to you. But “there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). Take your soul to the One who weighs your heart and keeps you (Prov. 24:12). “He will instruct you in the night seasons (Ps. 16:7) based on what He knows that you don’t.” (Is. 55:9)

He is preparing to “restore your soul” (Ps. 23:3a) and help you with next steps with that person and with others. He can heal, forgive, and flow His love through you after any sorrow.

The Messy Process

If only this journey could be in a neat, predictable package! Sometimes you might grieve something very quickly; other times it may take a while.

And grieving is often a spiraling process; not a linear one. So, just when you think you may be done being so consumed by this changed relationship, it’s possible for you to return to a stage of grief you thought you’d already left behind. That’s normal, even when grieving the loss of something like a friendship, dream, possession, etc. The more you accept this grieving process as healthy and needed, the sooner you will progress forward and ultimately arrive at acceptance.

Biblical Models Of Going Through Grief

1. The Psalmists provide a very raw public journal that chronicles the spiraling grief experiences of a Believer. Also, the Psalms give you a language that teaches you how to grieve in a way that draws you closer and closer to the Lord. You may need to speak out your grief on a regular basis using the Psalms as your template.
2. Jesus displayed how to submit to the Lord while also grieving the suffering He experienced on the cross. He perfectly models how to do this and remain reverent and worshipful.
3. Paul lived out life as one who continuously cycled through grief, allowing his praises of God to strengthen him to endure some of the worst hardships imaginable. He shows you how to produce the good fruits of grief (godly sorrow) rather than the bad fruits of being trapped in negative emotion (worldly sorrow). (2 Cor. 7:10)

Till You And Grief Meet Again

“Take heart, you will have tribulations in this world. But the One who overcomes death, can overcome your grief” (Jn. 16:33). The more you experience the disconnect between your heavenly home and this foreign land, the more you may feel “poured out like water.” (Ps. 22:14). Yes, it might sound easier to just feel what you want to feel and not have to think about “all this grief stuff.” But if you “rule your spirit” (Prov. 25:28), you will be stronger and happier for it. “A sound heart is life to the body” (Prov. 14:30). Expect and embrace cycles of grief (some people experience them more than others) – and the Lord will be your support and “bring you out into a broad (recovered & thriving) place each time.” (Ps. 18:19)