Grief in teens and kids is felt and processed somewhat differently than in adults. This is okay; their thoughts and emotions are in developmental progress. So, when youth are grieving the loss of “one of their own,” some of them may attempt to isolate from adults, feeling that their grief is too different for you to understand. However, there is still a role for you to play.

Teach Them How To Grieve

• Make sure teens understand that they will move through phases (where they feel emotions of various intensities such as denial, anguish, yearning, guilt, etc.) in a back-and-forth manner until they reach a place of stable acceptance.
• Let them know that each person’s grief can last anywhere from several months to several years, depending on their relationship with the passed loved one.
• Explain how grief can trigger other issues such as unresolved grief from the past, or how grief can ignite some teens’ susceptibility to anxiety and depression.
• Remind them of the importance of taking care of their physical health during the time that their psychological health is strained.
• Model for them good personal grieving by taking refuge in the Lord. It’s okay to let them see you grieve sometimes, but reserve other times to grieve in private. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you know the right amount of transparency for your household. This is so your kids won’t be afraid you’re falling apart.
• For younger children, provide truth to them up to the limit of what they can process. Embrace their love for heaven and cherish their child-like faith; it will do your own soul good.
• Offer unending compassion, always pointing them to Christ as the Answer and Comforter.

Validate Peer Relationships

• These peers created memories and had feelings for one another that are theirs alone.
• And it may be important for them to feel like they have a personal grief experience that you might not share or relate to, in their opinion.
• They may also have some regrets to deal with in the context of their friendships.
• Consider the role of tangible reminders of their loved one. Pictures, mementos, and gifts in honor of their loved one can play a very important role in the grieving process. It’s important to ask what would be meaningful to them.

Temper Your Expectations

• They might not “get over it” as quickly as you’d think.
• But they also might “get over it” far quicker than you would expect; their lives are full, busy, and distracting.
• You don’t have to force their journey to be something it’s not. To have a good result, a person can only grieve when s/he is truly ready. And the process really is unique to each individual.
• Don’t talk too much; except to tell them you love them.
• Be approachable, but not overwhelming.

Consider Their Needs

• Help them identify which relationships are safe places for being vulnerable, and who is playing what role in their life.
• Try to invite at least one trustworthy person who will ask good questions to get them talking, and who will be speaking Biblical truths into their processing. But don’t be too pushy about this. Let them have a say in the timing and frequency.
• Make sure they are not shamed when they take advantage of the cleansing nature of crying; encourage weeping with weeping. (Rom. 12:15). But also note that not everyone is a crier.
• Incorporate art and music to help express what’s hard to verbalize and to reduce stress.

Have Grace For Emotions

• There may be moodiness, lashing out, disrespect, and tears. Sometimes these outbursts will have everything to do with the loss. And sometimes they will have nothing to do with it. Don’t assume you know, and don’t accuse your kids of acting out grief. Sometimes an emotional reaction is an opportunity to give them space; other times it’s a chance to ask an open-ended question, which can help express the feelings behind the episode. Pray on the spot to help you decide which it is.
• Emotional maturity – and therefore grieving maturity – takes effort, practice, and time.
• Nurture the heart, and better behavior will follow in time.
• Resume routine activities even if it means going through the motions at first. The structure is beneficial.

Be Open To Other Means Of Support

• There are certain losses that fall in the category of complex mourning and may require professional involvement for a time.
• Monitor how well a young griever is functioning, to determine if outside help is warranted.
• Grief can be really hard. And some youth struggle to do it without structured, skilled guidance.

Pray

• Remember in your prayers – that when faced with death- there is significant ambiguity for a young person to comprehend (God ordains suffering at the same time that He is very good). And this paradox takes place in a world that tries to convince them that things are “all or nothing” (“God must be cruel to allow such suffering”). Such depth of Biblical understanding will come from the Lord’s opening of their eyes.
• Intercede using spiritual weapons against lies, poor coping, worldliness, and negative influences. And make bold requests on their behalf, such as asking for eternal perspective and a life of humble service.
• Let your kids know you are caring for them through your prayers.

He restores comfort to His mourners, and gives His tender touch to the young. (Is. 57:18, Mk. 10:13)